On Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23, June (Dreama Walker) has always had her quirks, and on "Sexy People," she's revealing another: her obsession with the "Sexiest Man Alive" People cover. Her mom too is just as obsessed as they countdown the days to the big cover reveal.
Just then, James Van Der Beek walks in with June's daily smoothie, and, SMA, he says, is a thorn in his side. He's always wanted to win People's top cover honor, but never has. There's a reason for that June says, claiming he has all the pieces, but he's no Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum. James is the guy a girl takes to prom, not the guy who takes a girl and ravages her in a cave.
But Chloe (Krysten Ritter) wants to prove that June is just a sheep. After stealing June's sexiest binder alive and making paper mache out of it, Chloe is just getting started. In true Chloe fashion on Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23 "Sexy People," she decides to get James on the cover by pretending to be People's new managing editor.
As she's learned before, it just takes storming into the office, firing the first two people who ask questions, staring out the window, and drawing genitalia on the white board. It's her "intimidation, confusion, submission technique." And it works.
She gets James Van Der Beek on the cover as well as a whole spread of James shirtless on a horse. Of course, seeing the magazine mock up, June starts seeing James differently, and Chloe, of course, encourages James to start messing with June.
The next morning, June wakes up with James in the room. He has her morning smoothie -- which he pours over his shirt so he can take it off. Then he spills on his bare chest. Guess he needs a shower! But first, he does some push ups, for good measure. After working up a sweat, he finds a teensie-weensie towel. Luckily for June, James's assistant is there to show her some unflattering pictures of the actor. It doesn't work.
And so June is forced to beg Chloe to stop the People Sexiest Man Alive cover from running, if June's friendship with James is ever going to be saved. But, again, Chloe just doesn't care.
So June goes to her mom for help, but she doesn't offer much either. She says that June can live the dream: she can bed a SMA! After all, regret is not sexy.
Through all this, James's fake success with People is going to his head. He's even adopted quirky traits, as if he doesn't have enough already, by adopting a pet turtle named Stephanie. He even ties a red balloon to her so people can spot where she is.
Outside one New York newsstand, June runs up to James Van Der Beek and gives in to all the feelings she's been feeling. She doesn't want to fight it anymore. She wants sex with James. And in the perfect romantic comedy moment, James kisses her. And she realizes she feels nothing, of course. Because this isn't your typical rom com. They're just friends who share smoothies, not smoochies.
And, of course, James doesn't end up on People's SMA cover after all, but an unnamed and unpictured guy does. Because, despite all of Chloe's best efforts and working at a job for a record five days, it's Marjorie Meyers who has final say and pick of the cover. And she always goes with the man that gets things kicking in her pants.
Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23 airs on ABC Tuesdays at 9:30 p.m. Eastern.
Photo credit: Flickr/Melissa Meyers
© 2012 Elizabeth SanFilippo
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